Bizarre Attraction
by razatip
Summary: Colonel Roy Mustang finds himself attracted to a person of underterminable gender, but despite how much he wishes to be out searching for that strange somebody, he's stuck doing paper work on a Friday night. RoyxEnvy


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

**Warnings: **Yaoi, RoyxEnvy

**A/N: **Even though I dislike RoyxEd with a deep, fiery hatred, this idea was inspired by a RoyxEd picture… Argh. But there's nothing wrong with RoyxEnvy so the idea of _them _being together is a-okay with me:D

**Bizarre Attraction**

Colonel Roy Mustang was forced to stay late for work, not because his superior officers told him to, not because he was a good worker, not even because he wanted to hopefully gain good favor with the higher ups for actually doing his work. No, none of those could get the Colonel to stay late on a Friday night.

But Riza Hawkeye could. That woman had killer aim with her trusted handheld gun, and Roy didn't want to see just how close she could get to hitting his beloved family jewels _without _actually hitting them. Sure, he had high faith in Lieutenant Hawkeye's aim, but that was just _not _something he was willing to test. And so, the Colonel did as his _underling_ told him to do: finish his paperwork.

Now anyone in the business world knows that paperwork just simply isn't fun. Who in their right mind would enjoy it? There might be people who enjoy forcing others to do it (such as Miss Riza Hawkeye) but no one actually _wants_ to do it. And yet, it needs to get done. Normally, someone of Roy Mustang's position could easily get one of his lackeys to do the work for him, such as Jean Havoc or even the young State Alchemist, Edward Elric. It wasn't hard to convince them to lend a hand. Just a word or two about a lovely lady looking for a date or information regarding the Philosopher's Stone could get either of them to jump at the chance of doing the Colonel's work for him.

Too bad neither of them were around. Jean Havoc had a date. Yes, an actual date. At first, Mustang had been amazed, then, after realizing that it meant Havoc wouldn't be around, disappointed.

Edward Elric has left with his brother Alphonse for Resembool to visit a friend for an automail check-up. Roy had given the young boy permission as long as Edward finished a good deal of paperwork, which _wasn't_ for the Colonel.

Or was it? Roy wouldn't say, so the question remains a mystery.

Now this leaves us with an irritated Colonel Roy Mustang who has no choice but to do his own work for once. Despite how much there was to do on a Friday night (all the ladies; the pretty, lovely ladies!) Roy was locked in the deserted office at Central's military headquarters with a large stack of papers in the to-be-done pile and a very small stack of papers in the already-done pile.

Yes, it was a very sad night for the poor Colonel. Luckily, someone would be stopping by to keep the lonely man company. Now Roy was not expecting _anyone_ to stop by, let alone who it was who _did _stop by. So he was quite surprised by the future night's events…

It was nearing midnight, quarter to, to be precise. Roy was debating on whether or not to leave and head home for rest, saving the rest of his still large pile of papers for the morning. But then the threat to his family jewels resurfaced in his mind.

He really had to protect those… They were _very_ important, so the man stayed.

With a sigh, Roy ran a hand through his hair for the twentieth time that night, staring down at his current paper in frustration. Ah… the man knew this one. He wouldn't have to make up anything for this like he had done for several other topics that floated to his department.

Homunculi. He really wished that Edward was around. That boy knew plenty on those strange, inhuman creatures, so why did _he_ get stuck with doing paperwork about them?

The Colonel tapped his pen to his lips in thought, holding his head in his other hand which was propped up on the desk by its elbow. He was trying to recall as much about the creatures as he could. How many were there again…? Seven, the man remembered, named after the Seven Deadly Sins.

This would be easy. Too easy, actually, which had Roy worried. Usually he didn't get stuck with easy things…

A gust of air flinging his finished papers off the desk brought Roy out of his thoughts. "God damnit," the man muttered, getting up from his seat to try and catch the ones that were floating around in the air.

After successfully gathering all twenty sheets- "Twenty? I could have sworn I've done more than just twenty papers…" -Roy returned to his seat, or would have if he hadn't noticed the open window. He could have sworn that Lieutenant Hawkeye had closed that window before she left… And that had been over two hours ago!

Roy groaned and shut the window with a slam, _then_ returned to his seat. As for a little tidbit of useless information, Roy liked his chair. It was comfy and big, just the sort of chair that was meant for a future Fuhrer in the making. He also took a sort of smug pride from sitting in it, thinking of how his 'underlings' had to sit in uncomfortable wooden chairs all day while _he_ got a nice, plushy chair. It also made him feel important, so he liked it.

But back to the story… When the Colonel took his seat, he leaned back in it at first, thinking. As surprising as it may seem, yes, this man does indeed think. Mini-skirts aren't the only things that consume that head of his. Very important things go on inside of it, such as if Edward Elric was straight or not. No straight man would wear pants as tight as his, Mustang would insist. Then that led him to question his own sexuality… Women were always nice, but sometimes a good-looking man would strike his fancy… Like Havoc, for instance. One of the main reasons why the poor man hardly ever got dates was because Roy didn't want him to get any. The Colonel was saving him until he was so depressed with his girl troubles that he came to Roy to satisfy his manly needs. But that never happened…

There was one man that managed to arouse Roy just by looks. He was a complete stranger, someone that Roy just saw walking down the streets, but from that moment on the Colonel craved him with a passion, wishing to have his seemingly fragile feminine body beneath his own.

Now that was something else that had lingered in Roy's mind for quite a long while… Was this mystery person a man or a woman? At first glance, Roy had been sure it was a woman. Men wouldn't wear skirts and half-shirts, even if some wore pants tight enough to reveal everything and hide nothing.

And that hair… Long, possibly green, coming down to his/her nice, tight rear. Of course, Roy had to assume it was a nice, tight rear. The flap of the skirt hid it rather well, unfortunately.

As for the face, that could pass for either a man's or a woman's. It was rather pretty with almost violet eyes, but it still wasn't possible to determine if it belonged to a young boy's or a lovely young lady's.

Then Roy had noticed the person of undeterminable gender's chest. It was flat. So flat in fact that the Colonel was almost completely sure that it was a man at this point. The well-toned arms and exposed middle area should have been more than enough of a clue, but Roy just didn't come to this conclusion until he spotted the chest area. Which was flat.

Roy didn't like his women flat-chested, but if it was a man… Even if he wasn't sure of his sexuality, he'd go for this mystery person without a second thought.

But the meeting-, no, not meeting since Roy had not spoke to the man… _spying_.The spying session of the lovely, pretty man had been almost two weeks ago. The Colonel had looked and even asked around to see if anyone knew or had seen the person, but he had come up with nothing.

If Roy hadn't been locked up in his office at midnight on a Friday night, he would have probably been out looking for that man. Someone dressed like he had been _had_ to frequently visit different places during the late hours…

The Colonel grumbled under his breath as he stared down at his paper again, back in the position he had been in before the gust of wind had interrupted his work. He was back to writing about homunculi… Wonderful.

First off, there was Lust. Edward had told him a bit about that one… A pretty, voluptuous woman… But little else was known about her aside from wanting to create the Philosopher's Stone like all the rest did.

Roy had just finished writing his bit on the homunculus Lust when he felt two hands on his thighs, gently squeezing them as they spread them apart.

The Colonel's eyes went wide and he would have pulled back and jumped up if it weren't for the silky voice that said, "Relax, Colonel Mustang. Go back to working and enjoy yourself." Roy's eyes narrowed as he set down his pen, about to say something when the voice interrupted him again, "Don't look down either. You should know who I am…"

Realization dawned on the man and his once narrowed eyes widened in complete surprise. "You're that…that man I saw outside HQ before. The… the one that…."

"The one that looked like a chick?" the voice suggested helpfully with a teasing tone to his voice. That earned a small chuckle from the Colonel and he picked his pen back up into his fingers.

"Yes, him…"

Roy yearned to look down and get a glimpse of the person's face, wanting to see if it really was the man he had been wanting for the past two weeks. But the voice had told him not to… and if he did look down, would the person stop? Roy didn't want that; he didn't even want the person to leave. The office was just so boring without anyone around. Roy was a people person, damnit. He shouldn't be forced to do paperwork all the time!

But thankfully he had this wonderful person visiting him…

He took a deep breath of air then looked back down at his paper. This work _had_ to be done by morning, and the person had told him he should get back to work…

Just as Roy lifted his pen to write, he heard the unzippering of his pants. They had to be _his _pants since the mystery person didn't wear pants… Roy didn't even allow the thought that this person might not be the mystery person pass into his mind. It was unthinkable! Only that beautiful man could have such a silky, wonderful voice to go along with his gorgeous body…

Roy sighed softly, trying to focus on his work. He could multi-task. How hard could it be? All he had to do was deal with pleasure and do his work at the same time. No problem.

As he felt a hand slipping into his pants, he tried to remember another homunculus. Gluttony, right? The fat one? Yes, Edward had told him about that one… A small man height wise, but his width was enormous. And he had an insatiable hunger, couldn't forget that bit. Roy was in the processing of writing those things down, but he felt fingers curve around a very important organ which proved to be _very_ distracting.

Within moments, Roy could feel the cool air of the office's room against the skin of a rather sensitive area and long, slender fingers running up the sides of his length, gently caressing the skin. Oh what a strange touch it was! Unlike any he had felt before. The hand was cold, almost deathly so, but it knew exactly the right places to touch, to caress, and to run its thumb along.

Now Roy was no newbie to intimate touches. Hell, he was nearly thirty years old, so of _course_ he had his own fair share of women and men alike; it wasn't even a secret. Inexperienced women were, needless to say, clumsy and inept at even the simplest things, experienced women were either too whorish for his liking or just didn't satisfy him as well as he would have liked, and men were, frankly, too rough and needy.

But this person seemed…different.

The way his lips wrapped around the head of the man's cock and the feel of the chilly digits of his hand grasping around the base were both gentle and rough. The fingers would squeeze, almost to the point of discomfort and the tongue would toy with the slit of his length in a teasingly gentle way.

Taking a deep breath of air, the Colonel's fingers raked through his hair as his head leaned into the palm of his hand. Lust and Gluttony were both down, so who else could there be?

Roy bit his bottom lip in thought then sighed softly as a warm tongue slid along the sensitive underside of his member. _Think, damnit, think!_ his mind commanded, but was ignored after the mystery person swallowed around his length. Roy gasped, caught off guard. When had the person took the full of his cock into his mouth? He had only been playing with the tip just a mere moment ago…

But no matter. He knew that there was one other homunculus that he had heard of, and he wanted to hurry up and write about him, _then_ he could fully enjoy the mind-blowing blow-job and possibly even get to screw the brains out of whoever it was beneath the desk.

Let's see… What was this particular monster's name? There was Pride, Sloth, Greed, Wrath, and one more that were left… It had to be the last one, but the Colonel couldn't put his finger on what the last Sin was…

"Mmn…," Roy couldn't help but moan quietly as the tongue started doing _very_ nice things. But he had to focus!

The last Deadly Sin… Envy! That was it! He was on a roll now.

Now what was there to know about Envy? He was a shape shifter. Onto the paper it went.

Light pants escaped the man's mouth as he stared blankly down at his desk. The moist mouth was moving up and down along his erection, its tongue sliding along it occasionally as its teeth grazed the skin gently.

_THINK! FINISH PAPER THEN SCREW SEXY PERSON!_

Such a simple thought for such a complicated man, but when one was caught up in the throes of pleasure, it was hard to think up anything else besides primal wants and needs, like coming for instance. That mouth was driving the Colonel insane. All it did was tease and tease and tease!

After a shaky sigh, Roy managed to think, and once he focused hard enough, everything he needed to write down about the Envy character started coming to him. Edward had once described the Sin as a son-of-a-bitch, so onto the paper it went.

And as for looks… Long, dark locks of spiny emerald-tinted hair decked in a dark headband with a peculiar symbol on the front that went just past his waist was the most distinguishable trait along with the homunculus's odd choice in clothing. A skort, Roy had deducted from Fullmetal's rant, along with a half-shirt like garment. On Envy's feet were socks that didn't cover the whole foot and his hands were covered in finger-less gloves.

Wait… All of this sounded very familiar to Roy. But after focusing his currently one-tracked mind so hard on his report, it was difficult to switch his focus onto the question of _why_ it seemed as if he had seen this person before. He never had. He had only heard descriptions from the Elric brothers…

Roy decided to shrug the thought off as he then wrote about the creature's wicked personality. A real killer, he was, taking sickening delight in taking the lives of others in a variety of gruesome ways. Quick to anger and real snarky, Envy seemed to be the most dangerous Sin out of the current three that were known.

And with that last bit down, Roy was finally finished! Leaning against the back of his chair, he gave a small grunt of satisfaction of finishing and also from the pleasurable things the mystery person was doing.

It seemed that the person was finally getting down to business. He was sucking real hard and had decided to drop licking and sucking for good ol' bobbing of his head. With this new treatment, it didn't take long until the Colonel came with a low groan, panting heavily as a pleasant, fiery tingling sensation washed over him.

"You're…real good at that…," he murmured, staring down at the face between his legs. Roy was glad to see that it was indeed the mystery person, but he realized that the man wasn't just pretty; he was flat-out adorable. One violet eye was closed to prevent any sticky substances from entering it and his other was half-open as it stared at what he still had his mouth around. He swallowed and pulled back, licking the tip of the cock clean of its come.

Then he finally realized Roy's gaze was on him and looked up. His eyes widened and he pulled back, quickly licking his lips. After a moment though, he grinned a smug smirk, saying, "I know. And remember when I told you not to look down? You just did. Now you don't get to fuck me."

Roy's eyes went wide, even more so than the wild-haired person's had been, at what he had heard. He wasn't allowed…to have his way with this pretty little thing already between his legs? That wasn't fair! Not fair at all!

After pushing the wheeled chair back a bit, the small man gracefully got to his feet, still smirking at the shocked Colonel. He took advantage of Roy's stupefied silence and turned to look down at the paper on the desk. Ah, so Roy had actually gotten to writing about him…

"You forgot to write about the oroborus on my thigh," he said smoothly once he finished scanning the paper. Flicking his hair out of his eyes, the man glanced back at Roy, smirking still. "And you forgot to mention the markings on my back as well. If you're going to write a detailed paper on us, please be sure to gather as much information as you can."

Roy's shock only grew. Envy…the dangerous, shape shifting Sin…was the gorgeous mystery person? It couldn't be! It…it just couldn't be!

It took the Colonel a few long moments before he regained his senses and leaped to his feet, poised to snap his fingers. Then he realized two things.

One, he didn't have his gloves on.

And two, the creature was gone.

Roy was left standing and staring at the now open window in disbelief. He had lusted after a creature who was an enemy of the military and even allowed said enemy to suck him off! And it had been one of the best damn blow-jobs of his life, too!

With a heavy sigh, the Colonel fell back down onto his chair. He had to forget about this night. If he didn't remember it and no one knew about it, then it didn't happen. Right?

The only thing that troubled him was why the monster had done what he did…

But it was no matter of Roy's. Nothing had happened! The incident had been wiped clean from his mind!

"C-Colonel…?" came a horrified voice from across the room where the door was.

And that voice… No… it couldn't be…

Roy's head snapped up so fast it hurt. "Fullmetal? I thought you had left for Resembool!"

The small golden-haired boy's eyes were wide as he stared at the man at the desk, a man whose privates were still hanging out of his unzippered pants. "I…haven't left yet… I sent Al on ahead and came back here to give you my finished report of the my last assignment… I just remembered that I didn't give it to you earlier…"

Roy stared.

Edward stared back.

"Fullmetal?"

"…yes?"

"Forget this happened."

"Already have."

And with that said, the boy quickly left the office, leaving the Colonel wondering just how much Ed had seen… Had he been standing there when Envy had been beneath the desk? Hopefully not… Otherwise Roy was screwed.

It was then that Roy Mustang decided it would be a good time to head home.

---

**A/N**: Hm, this started off as a one shot, but I have an idea on how to make it a few chapters longer that would explain why Envy randomly showed up beneath Roy's desk… But my angst-y ideas wouldn't fit in with the humor-ish-ness, and I have another fic I wanna work on, so I probably won't. Oh well. But huzzah for RoyxEnvy and random smuttish things. Whoo.


End file.
